Welcome to Northern Wordsmiths

You inherited. You got the house
Mum waved the letter in my face
Your Auntie Lilly passed away
And left you her fine bungalow
On that big plot of land in Oz
You jammy sod, she said

I ordered tickets, two to Perth
With Qantas in Economy
We flew toward my destiny
We slept, we talked my sis and I
‘bout Auntie Lillie’s bungalow
You jammy sod, she said

We swept and mopped that dusty house
In Bunbury with swimming pool
Found antiques in an old out-house
Worth lots of lolly, I should bet
I gave them to my sister … so …
You jammy sod, I said

The pool ran green with leaves and sludge
I found a pool-man in the book
In green-checked shirt with muscle-bulge
A fine six-pack and swelled biceps
Sis ogled but he asked me out
You jammy sod, she said

The house was looking spic and span
No more that damaged, dirty wreck
I’d dated Clive a fair few times
He loved this house of Auntie Lil’s
With oak beams and a bright blue pool
You jammy sod, he said

And when ‘twas time to head off home
We promised we’d return next year
For Christmas in the heat of Oz
Clive spoke of his undying love
In the airport lounge, down on one knee
I’m a jammy sod, I said

And when I turned away to leave
And go to board the England flight
Clive grabbed me by my turned-up sleeve
And said ‘don’t go girl, please don’t go’
I turned to sis ‘I’ll stay awhile’
You jammy sod, she said

We married in the month of June
And then he stabbed me in the back
Quite literally – and phoned the cops
While I lay injured, bleeding out
‘A burglar must have got inside’
You jammy sod, I breathed

I’d left Aunt Lil’s house unbeknown
To my sister – not to grasping Clive.
When sis turned up outside the door
Told poor old Clive to sling his hook
You murdering B* it’s my house now!
You jammy sod, he said

So let that be a lesson, all
of you out there who mean ill-will
You’ll get what’s coming mark my words!
Clive doesn’t dare to sleep at night
I haunt him from my worm-filled grave
A jammy sod am I